Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One Month Down

So I've been on my FAID one month now. Ugh. And... yay, I guess? Ha! I honestly can't believe that a month has gone by and I haven't had a single piece of bread! Or cheese! Or hummus! Or crackers! Or sweets! I have endured an anniversary, a birthday, and my sister's brain surgery/diagnosis all without any "sad girl food" or "happy girl food" (which is basically the same stuff. Ha! JUNK. :)).

The ONLY dessert that has crossed my lips in 30 days is what Zach got my for my birthday - the gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, (practically sugar free!) treat from Earth Fare.

The ONLY fruit that has crossed my lips in 30 days is about 1 cup of blueberries (had a little on our anniversary and a little on my birthday), one sliver of apple, and 2 tbsp blackberry preserves.

The ONLY sauce or dressing or spread that has crossed my lips in 30 days is the steak sauce I had with my birthday steak.

I honestly can't believe it. But I also can't believe I have 6 weeks to go. :(

I thought I had hit a plateau, feeling well adjusted to the diet, not really even thinking of other foods much, but that changed the middle of last week. I now have grown quite sick of the 7 foods I eat almost everyday (rice cake, avocado, carrots, cucumber, steamed rice, broccoli, green beans) and the 3 proteins I rotate (grilled chicken, fish, and steak). I desperately want variety! Arg!

It's getting old now... fast... and even one bite of Zach's Which Wich sandwich.... or one bite of toast... or one tiny morsel of chocolate would be heavenly. Dr. Song has consented to letting me have a little bit of blueberries now in my diet just to keep me from hanging myself, so that is o-mazing, but still nothing close to PB&J... which is all I want these days. And on top of that, he's asked me to reduce my carb in-take/ cut out some of the rice stuff. (Insert new meltdown like the one I had at "Ruby Day.")

Even though it's hard and very boring, I'm... seriously fine. My energy hasn't dropped (which is great considering the no meds now thing), my digestion is much more calm and stable, and I've lost somewhere between 10-12  lbs.

But honestly, even though some good stuff has happened and I know my insides are getting repaired, I've grown really frustrated over the past few weeks as "outward signs of health" have become less and less. Apparently, due to my thyroid condition and the parasites/candida in my gut, this makes releasing carbs/ body fat extremely difficult for me/ border line impossible. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Glucose is the food source for the candida/parasites, so naturally, they don't want to relinquish their lifeline. In fact, they put up a pretty vicious fight. So even though I only eat about 800 calories a day and exercise, the pounds stay on and my disappointment stays up. Totally depressing right?

And that brings me to my second point in all this - what God is teaching me.

The other morning as I was drinking my green shake and thinking over the past month of all this and my frustration, I realized something. I realized that even though I need to be healthy on the inside, and even though I want to be healthy on the inside, I realized what I really want from this is to look healthy on the outside. The scale had become my measuring stick for success, not how proud Dr. Song is of my progress or how much better my Acugraph is, or how much better my tummy feels. Even though I know I need to do this, I ultimately want some sort of physical benefit from it if I'm going to "suffer" like this for 10 weeks.

Who wouldn't?!

And that's when it hit me. It's the sad truth that sometimes, I feel the same way about God. I know I need to love Jesus and know Jesus, and even though I often want to love Jesus and know Jesus, what I really want are the blessings, the by-products that come from loving him and knowing him. (And sometimes, what I want is even worse than that - the things of this world instead of Him.) My hidden priority list has been to have peace and security, have God redeem some of my circumstances in life like a magic genie, and to just literally stand over me with his "blessings water hose" and douse me in every ounce of good stuff he has to offer.

How easily these selfish goals creep in and take root like a vicious weed, eventually taking over the healthy and whole things nearby. Lord forgive me for my outward agenda! And continue to make a new creation in me through this FAID process - one that draws me closer to you and the simple goal of just.... wanting you above all.

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